A co-worker came by one day to give me some bad news. His team wasn’t able to complete a project by the date they promised. It had already been delayed twice. He sat down across from me and was very upfront about missing the commitment but when I asked him what the next estimated completion date was, he wouldn’t say. I felt frustrated and ambushed. It was Friday and I was giving an update to the executives on Tuesday. I was the business owner and he was the delivery manager but I couldn’t help thinking I was going to be blamed. So, I stayed calm and pushed back on the delay plus not having a new due date. He got angry, said I was being unreasonable and left my office abruptly. Afterwards he made sure my boss knew I had treated him poorly and I was difficult to work with. It was absurd! I vowed I would do everything I could never to work with him again.
We spend a third of our day – or more – at work, shoulder to shoulder with people we didn’t hand-pick. When you consider another third – or less – of that 24-hour period we're unconscious and asleep, we're surrounded by these people half our lives. That’s plenty of time to discover co-workers’ quirks and habits, passions and dislikes. And to our chagrin, we may find it really hard to like working with one or two.
I began keeping a mental list of people I never wanted to work with and another list of managers I would sooner quit than agree to work for. It grew. There was the guy who thought I wasn’t qualified to set standards for content on the employee portal. In his opinion, he was eminently more qualified and he sniped and undermined me at every opportunity. I’m sure it impacted the quality of the employee experience but he thought it was more important that everyone recognize his expertise.
I learn a lot from watching how managers at more senior levels interact with their teams. They could potentially be my boss someday. Once, in a meeting, a manager publicly criticized his direct report in front of others and highlighted his failure. Not in a good way and not because it was a learning opportunity. I felt bad and uncomfortable for my colleague. I didn’t want to work for a manager like that, so I added that name to my list.
Have you ever watched an executive build up steam over a problem and glare around the table, eyes like heat-seeking missiles, searching for a head to roll? It’s a fearsome thing. Believe me. I’ve seen a few (and been the target of a few more, but that’s for another topic, another day). And to my disappointment, I’ve witnessed a manager who quietly stepped aside and let her employee take the blunt force of the executive when she could have helped explain the situation. Watching an executive dress-down an employee who reports 2 or 3 levels below him isn’t pretty. The employee still has his head, but he also has the battle scars. Of course, the manager came out okay, too. Her name promptly went on my list.
But here’s the thing I’m finding out with 20 years behind me now. First, I have less control over who I work with than I like to think. People change jobs and companies regularly. Companies reorganize often. I just might end up reporting to one of those managers on my list. Am I really going to quit? My manager might hire one of the people on my list or I might really have to rely on that person to get something done successfully.
Second, I might have witnessed someone at their worst moment. What I did was attribute that frustration, fear, or poor decision-making as a permanent character trait when in fact it might have been an isolated moment. Temporary. Driven by the circumstances. Maybe there were problems at home, a sick child, a car that broke down that morning. Maybe they’re really unhappy in their current job. In another role at another time, maybe they’ll feel better about themselves and those around them.
I know I’ve had those moments. I try not to, but they happen. No one’s perfect. And I sure would hate to find out that my name was on someone else’s list forever because they saw me screw something up once. Maybe they don’t know that I apologized or didn’t see me in the next meeting when I handled a similar problem better.
Some people really are hard to work with and our sanity will desert us if we have to work with them one minute more. But I’ve torn up the list because I’m not in control, I may have to depend on that person at some point and I can’t spend valuable energy figuring out how to avoid people. Life and work are fraught with twists and turns, it’s a small world and all that jazz.
In the immortal words of former President Reagan, “Fellow managers, tear up that list!” (Yup, that was a stretch but you know what I meant.)
Have you ended up working for or with someone you swore never would? How did you handle it? What did you learn about them or yourself?
Each of us is a work in progress.
Best wishes on your journey,
Sarah
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